if you please

The construction is unusual since the infinitive to please originally meant only “to satisfy”, not “to be satisfied”. One solution entails interpreting you as an object pronoun and please as a verb in the third-person singular subjunctive, such that if you please actually meant if it may please you. The according constructions if thee please, if him please, if them please, etc., are indeed attestable. However, if this approach is correct, the reinterpretation of the pronoun as the subject of the phrase must be very old as we also find if thou please and so on. A second hypothesis construes "if you please" as an intransitive, ergative form taken from if it pleases you^[1] which is a calque of French s’il vous plaît. Alternatively, if you please may be a bastardization of if you'd please, which is an abbreviation of if you would please be so kind, wherein please constitutes an adverb, not a verb.

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if you please

1. (dated, formal) Please.
   • 1906, Edith Nesbit, The Railway Children, Chapter 4: The engine-burglar,

     The engine-driver and fireman did not see her. They were leaning out on the other side, telling the Porter a tale about a dog and a leg of mutton.
     

     "If you please," said Roberta--but the engine was blowing off steam and no one heard her.
     

     "If you please, Mr. Engineer," she spoke a little louder, but the Engine happened to speak at the same moment, and of course Roberta's soft little voice hadn't a chance.

2. Used other than figuratively or idiomatically: see if,‎ you,‎ please.
   • 1876, [Walter Besant, James Rice], chapter VIII, in The Golden Butterfly. , volume II, London: Tinsley Brothers, , page 133:

     I will, if you please, go and see him to-day. And I will ask him to call upon you to-morrow morning.

   • 1899 August, Sarah Barnwell Elliott, “Fortune’s Vassals”, in Lippincott’s Monthly Magazine: , volume LXIV, number 380, Philadelphia, Pa.: J. B. Lippincott Company, section VI, page 205:

     “I don’t care about remarks; I don’t care what people think.” / “You don’t care if you please or displease, perhaps, but to give a joy is something; won’t you?”

   • 2014, Joe Abercrombie, Half a King (Shattered Sea; 1), London: HarperVoyager, →ISBN, page 55:

     ‘My king,’ frothed Keimdal, ‘I must object!’ / ‘Object if you please. Then do as I tell you.’

• “if you please” in Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, Longman.
• “if you please”, in Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, Springfield, Mass.: Merriam-Webster, 1996–present.
• “if you please”, in Collins English Dictionary.